Wednesday, 21 January 2015


From Script to Screen OGR 1

1 comment:

  1. OGR 22/01/2015

    Hi Adam,

    I think you're definitely onto something promising here, and I've got a few further suggestions as a means of bashing it further into shape.

    I really like the idea of the Mariah Carey-style diva and all the demands she places on the body-guard. I also very much like the 'revenge' theme at the end, but I'm less satisfied by the fact that it's only a fantasy. Seems to me you might be missing a particularly nasty little twist here.

    Okay - so you've got your diva character; she demands power smoothies before all her concerts etc. which means the bodyguard is always at her beck and call etc. The diva simply cannot perform until she's had her smoothies - and she's being particularly demanding because she's performing a massive sell-out concert. The diva also has a little dog, which is always pooping, yapping (it hates the body-guard). I wonder if you can see where this might be going yet...?

    Diva demands a smoothie; bodyguard makes smoothie; Diva drinks smoothie: Diva calls name of her little dog: bodyguard holds up collar and lead... and points to the blender.... ;) The End!

    I think you've got the potential for a dark, funny and bitchy little story here; great opportunities for character design obviously. I can't help feeling that your story could be shaken-up a bit - and moved along more quickly; so it could begin with a montage of newspaper clippings etc when we're introduced very quickly to your diva (with her little doggy in her handbag) and always in the background, we see the bodyguard (I'm thinking along the lines of Mr Incredible - big, but slow). I can imagine too that you've got montages of clippings from life-style magazines like Hello! in which you see the diva in her kitchen next to her huge blender, with headlines like 'Smoothie Secret To Singing Sensation's Success!' etc. And again, in the corner of these images, we always see the body-guard looking a bit down-trodden (the dog hanging off his shoe...). Then, after this, we shown scenes of how badly she treats him, all her demands, we see her singing, crowds cheering, flowers being thrown, and then the body guard's life, running about, fighting off the dog, blending smoothies etc. My point is, you could move it along much more quickly, set things up more visually and really save some time.

    So - yes, I think you're onto something, but it needs tightening up, it needs flourish and comedy-timing - and I think it needs a much more macabre ending! Give it a whirl...